Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
