His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
