if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
