How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
