I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
