I am spending my child support on dildos
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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