Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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