Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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