sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
