You're my little dorito
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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