I cannot find my penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
