Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
