guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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