He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
