who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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