Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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