Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
