My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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