Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
