the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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