You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
