I'm lost and stupid without you.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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