ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
