I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize