Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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