this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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