i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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