I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good