Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
