I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize