Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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