the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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