one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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