I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
