I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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