I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
