Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
