Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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