i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
