Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
