i would punch a child for taco bell
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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