This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
