TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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