apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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