In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
