She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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