Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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