I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
