Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
