I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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