paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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