you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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