I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How's work?
Spinning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
