I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
