My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
