I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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