tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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