I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
