you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
